Viceless Day 17 and 18: Staring at Chocolate and Fearing Paparazzi at McDonald's

I live in a very small town. I rarely leave the home without seeing someone I know. This is both something I love (oh, the support of a close community) and loath (oh, why can't a girl anonymously buy some ice cream in her pajamas any more?). Making a public declaration of going Viceless has put me in an interesting situation. Many wonderful people are interested and supportive. Still, many other similarly wonderful people who have different beliefs about food and life are on my tail waiting to catch me cheating.

I'm baffled by people who look at me with squinted eyes, in hushed tones saying, "But are you cheating?" No, I'm not. If and when I do cheat, you'll know about it because this isn't an assignment given to me by my butt face of a strict teacher. I'm a grown woman who took on a challenge of giving up my vices to find out if they are actually holding me back from happiness and productivity. Cheating is evidence in my experiment and it's not something I feel like I need to hide.

That's the story of responsible and logical me. Now, for a tale about the irrational, fearful me:

The Redboxes at all of the respectable drop-off locations (grocery stores and gas stations) are full and not accepting returns. I've already been past the McDonald's once where I know there is a Redbox. McDonald's would be the easy answer as I drive further around town to unload This is 40 but I can't risk being seen. I've made a public announcement that I'm going Viceless and being spotted entering a McDonald's would be so damning. I've been the victim of small town gossip more times than I can count. Living in this town can be like playing an extended adult version of telephone. By the time the gossip reaches you, it can take days to decipher where it could have even originated. As I drive, my mind hosts a montage of clips. I'm seen entering McDonald's. A single text is sent from one friend to another, "just saw the viceless badass entering McDonald's. what a bullshit artist." I'm called out at work and my voice squeaks at I protest, "But I had to return a Redbox!" My project crumbles like war ruins in an earthquake as news of my supposed indiscretion spreads through town.

Yeah, that's how dramatic and ridiculous my mind can be when left unchecked. This is why I have a disciplined meditation and mantra practice.

That night, I dream of sugar-less chocolate. Not sugar free chocolate but just 100% cocoa bars. That must exist right? Well, as I'm searching the candy aisle at our local health food store, The Whole Grocer, my fearful guilt creeps back into my consciousness. I feel my eyes darting side to side, looking to see who is witnessing my comb through the high-grade chocolate bars. Thank God the absurdity of my worry pings me between the eyes before I start wearing dark glasses and head scarves while shopping.

I took on being Viceless in an attempt to be happier, more guilt-free and productive. There is no room in my experiment to foster new paranoia. I can't be more productive if I spend all my time trying to look right. This is a mini challenge that has come up in my big challenge. I've got to own my actions and my truth. I will tell you when I cheat. I will trust you to trust me. This is growth. This is progress. This is the benefit of consciously and publicly taking on a challenge.

Where could you give-up some guilt and start living more productively and happily? I'd love to hear from you in the comments. Own up to what you want publicly and you've taken the first step to achievement.

Viceless Day 16: Treats for Adults

Last night, I got home from work and the old craving kicked in to sit down and watch some TV in order to shut my brain off. "I deserve my reward for working hard all day," was a pout echoing through my mind. I felt like a child on the verge of a break down. I'd like to stomp my feet, let tears stream and demand candy and TV. Yes, I know this is ridiculous but I also know it's my truth at times. When I see toddlers having melt-downs, I usually don't think, "Shut that brat up." I always think, man, that is how most adults feel inside but they have learned to control their feelings and responses. Who doesn't want to ball-up their fists sometimes and wail, "I'm hungry! I'm tired! I deserve better than this life!" But, we are adults now and it's totally inappropriate. After all, "All grown-ups were once children... but only a few remember it." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The Little Prince

My sweet man is asleep on the couch when I walk in the door and I immediately want him off the coach so I can just chill. Wake him, go through nightly ritual of teeth brushing and what not together, cuddle him in bed for a while, all the time thinking, what can I reward myself with tonight? "Just come to bed," my man says. He always says this.. My mind huffs, "No! I want my reward. My TV, my snack, my book, anything!" 

I'm literally holding on to a beautiful man with incredible biceps and spot on humor, while my mind whines about wanting a treat. HELLO! You are wrapped around your treat right now! You get to go to bed with a beautiful man who loves and supports you! Is there really anything better than this? Are Frasier re-runs really better than being completely actively engaged in a loving relationship that provides emotional and physical warmth? No. Obviously not. 

Time to embrace grown-up rewards. There's love, adventure, travel, a connection to God, giving, creating and millions of other great rewards once we stop looking for the drink and sitcom at the end of the night. I'm on a mission to open my eyes to the true greatness in front of me every day.

What rewards could be upgraded in your life and what tiny step are you going to take today to make that upgrade? I'd love to hear from you in the comments. You're participation makes this so much more fun for me and more productive for you. Growth comes through engagement and action. This is a safe space to cultivate your badass life. Join the dialogue. 

Viceless Day 13, 14, 15: I Cheated

So, turns out I ate about a half a cup of butter when I went out to dinner at Trio the other night. I thought my salad was dairy-free and I was wrong. Boom. Dairy bomb. To be honest, I felt fine.

Next, I had to taste and give notes on nine different glasses of wine as I trained a woman for the restaurant job I am soon leaving. This is an unavoidable part of my job that will be ending in a week. In total I consumed less than a fourth of a glass of wine but still... boom. Alcohol bomb. I still felt fine.

Last night, after a long day of working on my life coaching business, my fiance woke me from an evening nap to tell me we needed to leave in 45 minutes to go the the Roller Derby. Bleary eyed, I came to grips with the situation and snacked on the way to the derby. I didn't snack enough though and ended up buying a rice bowl with spicy pork at the derby. I chose the healthiest option I could. I didn't ask because I was buying food at an arena but let's face it, that sauce had sugar in it. I'm sorry I'm not sorry.

Am I perfect as I execute this new challenge? No. Did I ever expect myself to be? No. Is this a cleanse? No. I'm giving up my vices so that I can be happier and more productive. I feel better than fine.

This is a new challenge for me and as with anything new, there will be success's and failures on the path of learning. Overall, my lifestyle and eating have dramatically changed over the past two weeks. I have no where to hide and I'm getting more done than ever. Also, I'm being forced to question what's in what I'm eating, something I'm not comfortable with because I don't like to be fussy. My emotions don't want to ask but logically, shouldn't we all have the right to know what exactly it is that we are eating? This is a discomfort I need to get over and that's what I love about my challenge. It's in the discomfort that I know I'm growing. This was the whole point! I'm doing this to push myself out of my comfort zone and instigate change in my life. Eating whatever, whenever is comfortable. Watching TV alone is really comfy. An alcoholic beverage make everything more cozy. Take those away, I'm uncomfortable but damn am I productive and growing.

I knew there would be failures, readjustments and a learning curve when I took on being viceless. I'm comfortable with my cheating and failures. I expect them to decrease with time and I anticipate my goals will shift around the reality of the situations I find myself in. This flexibility is required in life. Failure is a part of all learning and growth, so it's definitely a key component of Becoming a Badass.

I'd love to hear in the comments where you push yourself beyond your comfort zone and how it's improved your life. Love you badasses.

Viceless Day 12: "So you're giving up fun?"

I went to dinner last night at Trio. The eating out is getting much easier. I'm just not a person who eats the bread. Ok, I can accept that about myself. I now have special requests like no cheese. Ok. I don't get deserts. This is not the end of the world.

I'm getting my biggest shocks and giggles from the fact that people keep saying that I'm giving up all pleasure and fun by not consuming sugar, gluten, dairy, caffeine, alcohol, and TV when alone. Like these are the only joys in life. People actually say, "So, you're giving up fun?"

No! I'm not giving up laughter, dancing, humor, fulfilling work or love. I'm not giving up fun. I'm giving up some habits that make me feel bad in the morning either mentally or physically. Is something that is fun in the moment but causes guilt or a crash later really fun? Is it the only fun? I don't think so.

I had a beautiful wood oven roasted beets salad with baby kale and aged balsamic. Then, I had a grilled New york steak with roasted red potatoes, shallots and green beans. It was fun.

I'm kinda starting to wonder, does no one else feel bad about themselves in this world? Now, I'm basically a happy and confident person. I have no big problems with the way I look but I have problems with the way I abuse my body in an effort to feel better in the short term. Stressed- have four cocktails. That will reset your mind by making it unable to function for two days. Bored- eat a bag of candy. That will kill some time. Not sure about what you're doing with your life- call a friend and complain about feeling lost until the feeling blurs. Don't other people have things that they think, "Hey, I'm better than that! This is not how I'm going to spend my life." This project isn't torture. I'm treating myself to a better life though purposefully changing my actions.

At the end of your life, don't you want to look back and think, "Damn, I really did something with that life of mine. What a thrilling adventure that was." I do. I think of giving up these past vices opening a window to bigger and better fun. Fun with no negative side effects.

The strange thing about this experiment is that so far it's not that I feel incredibly good, but I just don't feel bad in so many of the times that I used to feel guilt over my actions or the bloated effects of over consuming. I don't crash from caffeine or sugar. No meal has been ruined by eating too much bread before hand. I wake with less phlegm because I haven't had dairy. Every day is productive because I'm not in front of a TV. Am I so happy and glowing that I give off glitter? No. I'm about the same with less of the bad.

People say I look better but it's hard to tell. I'm breaking out which must be a symptom of detox because it's rare for me. My only breakouts for the past few years have been from stress or detox. This could be a mix of both. I've lost six pounds in under two weeks which just makes me wonder what the hell I was eating before that was holding onto weight that could be lost that easily. I'm not starving. I even monitored my calories for the first week so that I knew I was consuming enough. Things are subtly changing but right now it's hard to say what exactly. What the hell is three months going to bring?

No, I haven't given up fun. For a good time, you can still call me.

Viceless Day 11: Finding My Tribe, Dammit They're Sober

During my depression over not having a career my good friend Eddie asked, "Is there a person you admire that you want to be friends with or a group you envy being a part of?" There just wasn't anyone. I'm surrounded by really awesome people here in Jackson Hole, but none that spoke directly to my soul when it came to career. Now, everyday I find more inspirations in my own back yard but at the time no one was fitting my specific soul call.

While visiting my sister in Atlanta, I came across a book in her office, Add More Ing To Your Life: A hip guide to happiness by Gabrielle Bernstein. This looks kinda cheesy and dumb, was my first thought. I brought the book out to my sister in the kitchen.

I asked, "What's this?"
"Oh, some bullshit Carline gave me. Actually, the author's kind-of the same type of annoying as you. You know, very rah, rah, you can do it! You can have that book," she dismissed.

That semi-insulting conversation was how I discovered my new group of role models.

Gabrielle Bernstein: Spiritual coach
Marie Forleo: Business coach
Kris Carr: Health coach
Danielle LaPorte: Passion coach

My soul was sparked. I have found my people. Beautiful, wacky women on a mission. Entreprenuers-EEKKK!!! Wasn't hoping to find that word. Entreprenuer. Hmmm.... Guess I might as well stick that word in with the other descriptors I've been unable to shake, like creative and artist.

Jessica Zelenko: Badass coach

To make matters worse, 2 out of 4 of my new role models are definetly sober and 3 out of 4 are vegans.  This is a big inspiration behind the beginning of Viceless. As Gabby Bernstien says, "If you want what someone has, do what they do." Vegan isn't on my list, but I'll try out sober.

Another big motivation is my anti-role models. I've seen where a life swathed in the comfort of vices often leads. I see people sitting on the couch all day smoking pot, talking about what should be done but not doing anything. I constantly see work that needs to be done, decisions that need to be made, chances that need to be taken that instead become a cocktail consumed and no progress. I see lives stuck in comfort and habits becoming lifestyles. That's not what I want to focus on now though. What I don't want isn't nearly as important as what I do want.

I'm following my wants and becoming a life coach who helps others lead lives that they are extremely proud of when they die. I want a career that makes my world and the whole world better. I want to stop hiding and start kicking more ass for pay so that I have more to give. I want to meet my role models, say thanks, and eventually become someone else's role model. Cheers to another day of trying.

Who do you admire? I'd love to hear about your role models and inspiration in the comments.

Viceless Day 9 and 10: Temptation and TV

Day 9:

I make my fiance coffee and the smell taunts me. Ok, hot water and lemon. You'll do.

I'm not hung over and I have no food guilt.

Day 10:

I'm in a bad mood. I've gotten wrapped up in the busy and complications of my life and a mood as set in. The type of mood that calls for a cocktail and bitching. Unfortunately for me and the easy road, I'm really not a fan of complaining these days. I believe focusing on negative is bad for your health, mood and good time. Haven't you ever experienced a complaining hangover? You talk and talk about all of the things you don't like and in the end you are drained and sad. During my own bitch sessions, I've always enjoyed a nice cocktail which usually loosens the tongue and makes it possible to really let the complaining rip. This is the type of habit that I'm trying to cut out of my life. The complaining doesn't get me where I want to go and neither does the cocktail. Obstacles have to be creative opportunities. When obstacles aren't viewed as an opportunity, depression sets in and progress halts. I've got things to do in this world, a tribe of badasses to rally and don't have long to wallow.  The habit isn't broken yet though. When the fear and feeling that life is too damn hard sets in, I really want the comfort of a cocktail or the distraction of TV.

On my way home from work, I pick up This is 40 from the Redbox. Maybe I can switch to watching TV alone just on the days I don't work? (I work basically everyday right now so this is crap.) Maybe TV isn't really holding me back? (No, it really is.) I just really want to cheat. I want to fall asleep watching TV and not think about life. I don't want to meditate this feeling away or accept it.

I manage not to cheat by thinking about my goals on a far off mental horizon. I want to make a good living from a career I love that I believe will improve the lives of others. I want to live my life in a beautiful body that is light, active and well nourished. I want to live happily, without guilt, kicking ass everyday and inspiring others to go after the life of their dreams. I save the movie for tomorrow night with my man and pick up my book, Beautiful Ruins, by Jess Walters. There is still escape for my mind but their is also learning for my writing and the sleepiness that reading provides. I didn't cheat and that feels good.

Viceless Day 8: Dinner Out, the Ultimate Challenge

Saturday, you sweet beast. If I had a free day, it would be Saturday. The one day my man and I have off together. The day we both try not to work and apply ourselves to feeling young and free while we still are untethered in most ways. No baby. No house. We've been known to drink mid-day. Baily's in coffee with a big cheesy breakfast isn't an unheard of occurrence. So I feel a little lost with my new restrictions.

This day is shouting, "Relax!" I'm not quite sure of how to yet. Still, we have a fun lazy morning. I actually sneak in some work which is against the rules but seems impossible to avoid these days. Then off for a bike ride and hike. We end up down by the river and my mind races over my to-do list. A never ending flow  of wedding and work. I practice my meditation but wine bottles float down my stream of consciousness. So be it. We must sometimes sacrifice what we want in a moment for what we want long term. Must build a website. Must work on clarifying my marketing. Inhale 3, exhale 5. I catch snippets of peace and repeat my mantra, "I am happy. I am free. I am as God created me."

Wine continues to haunt me as a get ready for a dinner out with friends and my man. I'm technically having a great day but there still seems to be these empty gaps where my vices have been. What am I supposed to do to relax and feel luxurious?

Dinner out at Osteria. So far, eating at home has been fine. Healthy food is delicious and flavorful. I always forget this until I go on a health kick. These three months though are supposed to be about living my normal life with some small changes in habits and consumption. I don't want to prove I can be a healthy hermit, so out for some 2 for 1 entrees from the Italian restaurant Osteria. Hindsight, maybe an Italian restaurant wasn't the best choice for my big night out. I figured I'd just eat a salad and some meat and veggies in whatever form they were offered. I've also heard rumors of gluten free pasta that might be an option. Not gonna lie. Pasta sounds delicious.

My server at Osteria was very friendly and super willing to help me find an option to suit my new dietary needs. Unfortunately, the pasta was out because of dairy. My only option was a $30 chicken breast, served with wild rice and a small amount of a tasty beet sauce. Normally, the dish is hen and also includes caramelized carrots. Tonight, they were out of the hen and I had to forgo the carrots due to sugar. I work at a restaurant with an $18 half chicken on the menu so being left with this overpriced option is a bummer. The dish is cooked to perfection but disappointingly simple, obviously by my own restrictions.

I'm surprised with the rise of food intolerance's for dairy and gluten and the popularization of diets such as Paleo that this was my only option. Don't get me wrong. Osteria has no obligation to cater to my dietary needs. I choose where I go and do believe I should just order off the menu. It's an eye-opener though that my options with this lifestyle are going to be so limited. I also need to perfect my ordering. How to be technically fussy without being an asshole? That is a challenge I haven't mastered yet. Currently I just become meek and grateful for whatever I'm given.

This fear of socially ostracizing myself with my dietary choices has always been a battle for me. If someone makes something for me, I'll eat it. I don't like being picky and hard to please so I make myself the gracious guest and companion by eating anything. What if this habit isn't serving my greatest good. I read article after article about the negative effects of gluten, dairy and sugar.  An example being this article: Foods To Avoid If You Want To Be Happy. I feel my mood shift with my gluten and sugar intake. I know dairy gives me morning phlegm and I've been supposed to give it up since my days as an actor when my voice teacher pinned it as detriment to my voice. I've done cleanses and proved that I feel better without these vices but I go back because I don't want to be an inconvenience at a dinner party or restaurant.

To top it all off, at 29, I just got lab tests back that say I have slightly elevated cholesterol. Holy F. They recommend fiber pills and when I ask about dietary changes the nurse seems to brush it off as an impossibility. "Oh, the usual. Less sugar and junk," she says. I know I've gotta change.

Wine is the most missed element of dinner. Since 17 I've tasted wine and identified tasting notes. I want to inhale the nose and search out the earthiness of the Italian wine that the others drink. I miss toasting to the beauty of life. I've been known to raise my glass 4-7 times throughout a meal to cheers the greatness of this or that. I know it's a lot of toasting but each is like a prayer of gratitude that ups the mood of the meal.

Without a big showy dinner or wine and with salad instead of the shared lobster risotto that is the shared appetizer for the rest of my party, I still laugh and have a great time in fun company.

Desert time. I order mint tea. The tiny, bird like women who come into the restaurant I work at often order mint tea. They've always been a source of wonder to me. I envy their ballet dancer arms as they lift a mug to their mouth instead of a spoonful of cream. Everyone at my table orders a tiny ice cream cookie sandwich. My mouth waters. I douse it with mint tea.

The dessert arrives and my fiancé makes sexual, guttural noises as he eats his bit of sweetness. This isn't cruelty. He always makes these noises as he eats. The cruelty is when he mocks my tea and holds the cookie up to my mouth close enough to smell. "Try it. Take a bite. You can spit it out," he taunts. "No," I squeak back. The absolute ridiculousness of the situation hits me and I laugh. If you read this thinking that these diet changes and giving up my vices is a stupid project, feel good knowing the person I live with tells me the same thing everyday.

I do notice that by the end of dinner everyone else is droopy eyed and slightly slumped. No one drank much but they seem to be edging in on a food coma. I'm bright-eyed and light feeling. I'm also entirely guilt free.

We go home and I finally get the sweet relief of watching TV. My man has a cocktail as we watch.

I wake the next morning still feeling light. My man has a hangover. "I'm an idiot," he says. HA! I just smile to myself.