Viceless Day 7: WTF was I thinking?! Gimme the chocolate cake!

Day 7

Working at a restaurant creates an interesting relationship to food. First of all, part of my job is to create verbal food porn for customers. What's the best dish? "I loooooovve our pork chop. The warmth of the curried cauliflower with the sweet tang of the cippolini onion and golden raisin chutney are amazing. They cut right through the rich pork chop creating a perfectly balanced meal. You're going to love it." Yeah, that is basically my job. I sell delicious food as a waitress at a great restaurant in Jackson Hole, called Trio: an American bistro. The food is wonderful and the chefs are always making it even better. They create food heaven and I have it in my hands 4-5 days a week. There is also the fact that often this food is available to me to eat in mess-ups or scraps. On top of that, we have what's called family meal where we are given dinner at 4:15 and eat it as a group. Trio provides probably the best you could hope for out of a family meal. There is always a salad and they try to make it actually delicious. Still, it's often a delicious burger or bulk pasta. Eating that on a regular basis just doesn't line up with my food goals. To finish of the challenge, I eat at 4:15 and then power walk around until 10 or 11 at night. A person gets hungry and there are no breaks. Restaurant life sets you up to be on a crazy food schedule with crazy food choices.

God bless the wonderful chefs at Trio who have been shifting family meal lately to meet my new dietary needs. I'm really going to miss everyone when I leave Trio to move onto life coach training and a summer focused on building my business and website. That being said, working at a restaurant is constant temptation from the soda gun to the bread I slice. Last night, as I brought carried out martinis, opened bottles of wine, described layered chocolate hazelnut cakes with mocha butter cream frosting, I thought, "Why did I publicly decide to give up my vices?! I'm an f-ing idiot!"

I held strong only because I've told you all that I'm going to hold strong. I didn't pop the left over banana bread waffle into my mouth because I promised I wouldn't. I didn't eat the left over mash potatoes because I said I wouldn't. I really, really wanted to. Somewhere floating behind my food desires I knew I had a higher goal but to be honest, when staring at the layered chocolate cake, I couldn't have articulated them for you. There was too much saliva in my mouth.

Viceless Day 5 and 6: Tears and Triumphs

Day 5:

I cried today. Before I cried, I felt myself look around for escape. Nope, can't turn on the TV. No, you can't have a drink. Nada junk food to save me. Just have to face some pain head on.

Joan of Arc who I'll be channeling this week and
who will be reminding me of angels. 

This year I'm getting married and starting my own business. Both have been in the works for over a year and I'm incredibly grateful for each opportunity. Starting a business, especially one with the end goal of giving lectures and holding workshops on Becoming a Badass, is something people aren't always going to support. This isn't the safe route. I talked today to a woman who has her own life coaching business and she warned me again and again about how hard it is to be successful. I tried to remain calm. I finished our phone call with grace but as soon as I hit end I looked toward the cupboard and TV for escape. No, I've promised I won't hide from my fear. I've gotta face the uncomfortable feeling head on. I'm forced to feal the pain fully and accept that I could end up a big failure. Yes, that is always a possibility. After some tears, my own Becoming a Badass preachings pop into my mind and save me. God bless hard work and dedication. A year dedicated to  reminding others of inspirational quotes and teachings on how to live a full life saves me with two thoughts: 1) I would rather fail big, learn big, and move onto something bigger than do nothing and stay stuck. 2) "I am not afraid. I was born for this." - Joan of Arc. These will be my mantras over the next few days. This fear will fade and I think faster because I didn't run from it using my vices this time.

The thing about marriage that I guess I kinda forgot about is that you now have to make really huge life choices and the final decision is going to be a compromise with someone else. They are not just your choice. Where you want to live, if you are buying a home, if you will have children, even your career are major decisions that you must work through with another person. At this point in life and age, I'm pretty comfortable making my own decisions. The new challenge is making a decision with a man I love very, very much but who doesn't always want the same things I want. It's so much easier to ignore these big questions. I tear up as we talk through our future. I worry that I will decrease his happiness in life by protecting my own. That can't be right. That can't be love. The conversation ends with many questions still hanging. In the way that love seems to always redeem itself, simply, tonight, we cook, laugh and love. I"m reminded why I want to get married. I love this man so much. Being with him has made me stronger or happier than I thought possible. When I decided I wanted to get married it wasn't a fairy tale decision about how our love is perfect and now everything will be easy. The decision was based on the fact that I want to challenge myself to grow in this relationship and this love my entire life. I believe in our relationship and want to challenge myself to make the decisions and compromises to have it last my entire life because I believe we can build an incredible life together. A life that will be richer and fuller than what I could build alone. I am aware of the divorce rate and sexless marriages. Yes, I know we could fail. Everyone can stop reminding me and rest assured that I am fully aware of the challenge I am taking on. Still, I would rather have tried and given myself the chance at what I believe will be one of my greatest successes: building a family with a man I love.

Day 6:

One of the women who inspires my business model is Gabrielle Bernstein. She is a spiritual coach and speaker. Gabrielle is also sober. She tells her story often and says she was told, "Get clean and you will have everything you've wanted." The woman is a powerhouse. Today, her work as greatly influenced my life for the better and because of that I sometimes hear whispered in my mind, "Get clean and you will have everything you've wanted."

Gabrielle Bernstein and this message are a big motivator for me to experiment with giving up my vices. Gabby was addicted to cocaine and really needed to get clean. None of my vices are that serious. In fact, many of my friends think of me as someone who uses vices very moderately. Still, I hear get clean. I have to try.

My days are getting more and more productive. Writing, reading, bike riding, loving, and working on Becoming a Badass is all I've done this week and I feel great. To live without the guilt and wake up knowing I feel the way I feel as a product of good choices is amazing. Today, I've moved past the fear of the future that was causing my tears yesterday. Today, I just want to work. Blam! Goodness comes to me. I get a twitter message from an editor at Jackson Hole News and Guide asking to do a profile interview on me for next weeks paper. I can't help but think that I'm getting everything I've wanted. So happy. So purely, joyously, sparklingly happy.

Viceless Day 4: My vices are calling me and I want to answer

7:30 am
Woke up pretty chipper. Just wish making a green juice was as easy as eating a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. Clean up is a pain but I guess less of a pain than unhealthy habits in the long run. Why does health always seem to have the initial stubble with the long-term rewards and bad habits always give immediate satisfaction with long-term detriments? God, I don't understand your plan.

1:30 pm
I just really, really want to watch TV. I can't believe this addiction is so strong! Despite the craving I've gotten tons of work done today and that feels good. Also, not feeling guilty about what I've eaten or having spent my time in front of a TV feels really, really good. I'm starting to realize how much of my time was being spent feeling guilty. Guilt sucks! I guess I'll go for a walk outside to get away from this tempting TV mistress.

11:30 pm
Ohhh, man! I wanted to eat so much food at work. I'm slicing bread and bringing some truly delicious food to tables. The smell of creme brûlée as I took it to a table was so hard to handle. Freshly hardened sugar with fresh orange zest on top, you are killing me. Let me drink a coke and eat some creamy asparagus bisque please!!!! Ok. That was hard but now I'm home and going to bed guilt free and that is a great feeling.

Viceless Day 3: TV I love you, but I love me more

7:30 am
Woke early and find myself gazing longingly at my TV screen. Oh, if I could just flip on the TV as I make my morning green juice and hear the comforting noise of familiar voices. Oh, well. Guess I'll just have to be productive instead. Hello, Pandora. Yes, Florence and the Machine. Let's dance this out.

12:45 pm
My TV craving is huge! I usually wake up, tidy up my room, make a green juice or tea and meditate. Then I get started on either my Becoming a Badass work or my other work for part-time jobs that I do from home. I'm the most productive and inspired in the morning so the work comes easily. Around 12:30 pm is when I usually get some big vice cravings. I make a healthy lunch but like eating while watching TV. Yes, as a person who is constantly reading health and wellness books or articles on how to improve your life I know that watching TV while eating is a big no-no. I know! But it is just so damn comfortable. Beside eating in front of the TV being bad because I'm not paying full attention to the taste of the food and how full I am, this habitual also usually makes me really sleepy. Since I don't just go nap, I get a big sugar craving and just want to sit on the couch and eat. I need to be either working out or doing work during this time but I get sucked into a vice-grip of unproductively. Then the feelings of being a loser who is going no where in life set in. Strange how something that initially feels so good ends up making me feel so bad.

2:40 pm
Whoa! Just did and hour and a half walk in the sunshine while talking to my mother. Much better use of my time.

11:30 pm
Came home from work and am going straight to bed. Anyone who has ever worked at a busy restaurant knows that this is a rare occurrence. My mind is still usually racing after a shift and I come home and try to numb it with food and alcohol. I've done a lot of self work and research to learn to quiet my mind and keep fearful thoughts at bay. I recently finished a year long meditation practice based on the book A Course in Miracles. I usually do a daily morning meditation with a mantra that I use throughout the day to quiet my mind and reset myself to peace. These practices have hugely improved my quality of life. I no longer feel like a victim of my emotions or anxious mind. Getting home from work late at night though is a period of time that I've been lazy about. I've given myself a free pass to just veg out in front of the TV with a glass of wine and food. It's the easy way to unwind but definitely not the best possible way.

I wonder if the lack of coffee at 5 pm or Coke around 9 pm is the reason I can no go to sleep right when I get home?

Where do you have good habits most of the time but give yourself a free pass sometimes? I'd love to hear about how you feel about your own free passes. Thanks for reading!

Viceless Day 2: Facing the Hounds

Day 2 May 5th

Ugh... I have to go to work at my restaurant job tonight. I'm dreading the reaction of my co-workers to my new lifestyle challenge/change. I've done two cleanses in the past which really, really seems to bother chefs. I get it. Their whole job is based around food. They are sensitive to peoples food decisions. When making a diet or lifestyle change people always say, "Oh, no one cares what you do." I find that to be completely untrue. Most people, strangely discounting the people who are closest to me, have a very strong opinion about my changes and want to voice them. I know when I go into work, we will sit down for the group meal provided for us at the beginning of the shift and I will need to field opinions.

10:30pm
As predicted, my lifestyle challenge/change created quite a stir at my work. No alcohol! No sugar! No gluten! My boss, who is a chef and restaurant owner, looked me directly in the eyes and said, "That is so stupid." Now, that's a direct opinion. It's tricky navigating work relationships. To explain why I want to make this change is to expose my vulnerability. Me no likey.

We all go through life with the general goal of looking like we've got our shiz together. It's a noble goal but what about when something in your life isn't working and you have to make a big change? I have to admit that crap food, TV, and alcohol are interfering with my goals. I'm building a life coaching business because it brings me happiness and fulfillment. Without this goal I feel like a lost loser. I constantly need to be learning new skills which make me really happy but also stressed. I wake up and can list 20 things I wish I had time to do when I likely only have time for three of the things. Learning to deal with new stresses and challenges that are a natural part of building a business and making a career change. My first instinct though is always to run and hide. I run to the couch and hide behind food and alcohol. So those things need to go. I'm trapped in a safety net of my own making so I've decided to abolish the safety net.

Hopefully, that is what came across as I explained why I am taking on this experiment. Some of my co-workers agreed that this is the way all people should eat and live. Most just couldn't imagine a world without alcohol. To be honest, I have a hard time imagining it too but there is only one way to find out. I can imagine a life without hangovers and that seems amazing. I made it through my big announcement, which by the way, I wish I could not announce and just subtly do but that isn't possible at my workplace. Now, surprisingly, I'm going to bed. Usually, I stay up after work for about an hour and a half decompressing with food and drink but I'm tired and ready for sleep.

Any of you have habits you would like to give up in the pursuit of a higher goal? I'd love to hear about it in the comments. Thanks for reading.

Viceless Day 1: Will anyone like me?

Day 1 May 4th:

Woke early to find a co-workers text telling me he needs me to be somewhere in half an hour. Not happy. In my frustration I immediately want candy. A smoothie is going to have to do.

Out later after a big bike ride through the rain to Dornan's and I have to tell my good friend that not only am I now a picky eater but I won't be having a celebratory drink. I'm actually afraid of losing all of my friends because of my not drinking. Isn't that kinda sad? Luckily, my friend is awesome and we have a blast anyway.

Evening home with my fiance when I would definitely be drinking. We go on a walk and I'm still playful. We have fun and enjoy cloud watching.

Breaking the usual habits is hard. There is a lot of saying no to drinks or food and I do feel like a buzz kill. Maybe if I up my fun attitude I don't have to up my drinking. We'll see. This is an experiment after all. Gotta say, it's great ending meals and not feeling guilty. It was also great driving home from my friends house and not worrying about the fact that I've had a drink or two earlier.

Viceless: Three months of pure goodness

Thanks for joining me here at Becoming a Badass! Welcome to the new adventure.

I'm giving up some of my very favorite vices for three months. Goodbye sugar, white flour, dairy, caffeine, alcohol, and solo TV watching. This lifestyle change is an experiment to see if I will become a happier and more productive person without my vices or, as many predict, I become the crankiest, most boring person in the world.

My vices have haunted me lately. Instead of being fun bits of naughtiness, I've been trapped in a state of fear abusing my vices. I'm in the midst of a massive self-improvement overhaul on my life.  I'm 29. From observing my female friends who have already turned 30, it seems to be typical to flip out and make huge changes for the better. Apparently, I'm no exception. Pressure is pressing down on me and I need to change. Oh, Holy God. I'm going to be 30. I can no longer blame my youth for my mistakes or lack of progress. This is it, this is my real grown-up self. I want to make myself the best, most successful, happiest, hottest it can be. This means no more wasting time binge eating, hungover while watching the Kardashians. Enter the Viceless Challenge.

The skinny on my past: At 23, after college I moved to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I moved from LA after going to California Institute of the Arts and majoring in acting. I was confused and the only life goal I could pin down was to be an international party girl who dallied in writing. Jackson was a spur of the moment decision that was only supposed to be a two week vacation. I knew I didn't want to be a stylist like the job I had just quit. I didn't want to be an actress which was what I had studied. I didn't want to live in LA. Unfortunately, I had no idea what I did want. I drove solo to Jackson because my parents had left their house there unoccupied while my mother cared for her mother's declining health. To my surprise, I found a group of people in Jackson who were having more fun than anyone I had ever seen, even international party girls. They were living in an adult playground and having constant fun with physical activities like skiing and mountain biking. When bad weather stopped their sports, they took off on travel adventures to spots like Thailand and Nicaragua. Even though I was completely nonathletic at the time, I shifted my priorities and started my project of Becoming a Badass. 

I went from art school, LA party girl to skiing, biking adventurer. I took the lifestyle of Jackson on full force. Moving from LA with a background in acting, I knew how to make my body dance and look cute. I knew yoga and tai chi. There was no trust in my bodies ability to be truly strong or athletic however. Since Becoming a Badass, I've had multiple friends from college say, "I don't remember you being this athletic." I wasn't but I seem to believe in the power of change more than the average person and believe it is my destiny to spread the message that you can change your life for the better. In my effort to Become a Badass, which is documented in this blog, I've learned to ski, mountain bike, surf, travel internationally, and much more. I've climbed active volcanoes, jumped off waterfalls and conquered a warehouse of fears along the way. I've consciously made an effort to redefine how I think about myself. The mission was to go from confused, intimidated, and limited to badass. I still have a lot of fears and stupid ideas about my limitations but I've definitely significantly bumped up my badassness. 

Becoming a Badass was never just about the physical challenges though. To me, it's always been about any new challenge that forces you to overcome the part of yourself that you don't like but feel like is inevitable. I spent so many years of my life thinking of myself as a funny, quirky, chubby, clumsy girl. I love that part of myself now but know I'm not limited to being that person. I'm also brave, sporty, productive and hot. The truly important part of Becoming a Badass is proving to myself that I can be anything I want to be and am not limited by my current thoughts or situations. I now enjoy kicking my can'ts in the ass and proving that I can, even though I usually don't know in the beginning how the hell it's going to happen when I begin. Conquering one fear isn't the end though. I'm always still in process of Becoming a Badass. There is always a new challenge.

Around age 27, people with successful careers really started to piss me off. For years I was satisfied with my adventurous lifestyle that I supported through being a waitress. I appreciated this time of my life as an opportunity of youth. When I started to feel my jealousy of careers, I knew it was a sign that I myself craved a successful career. Jealousy is often a great indicator of what your soul is craving. So I whined like a weeny for about a year, really engulfing myself in my misery over a lack of a fulfilling job until I hit rock bottom. My rock bottom was tearing my ACL while skiing. This is an injury that requires surgery if you want to live an active life. I woke up in the hospital on my 28th birthday and had to relearn how to walk in physical therapy over the next 3 months. I now had no successful career and couldn't even engage in the physical activities that were my source of fun and pride. 

During my recovery I became even more depressed and my vices came out full force. I watched a disgusting amount of TV and ate an even more horrifying amount of crap. My body ingested an unbelievable quantity of jalapeno Cheetos, gummy candy, and macaroni and cheese. I was no longer a super-fit, active adventurer. I was a chubby, depressed waitress. Ah, hell no!

Six months after my injury, I mustered up some gumption and stopped moaning about my lack of career prospects. I got in action. I read tons of Find Your Purpose books, took personality tests and researched online. Basically, I made finding my dream job a part-time job and surprise, surprise it worked. I devoted myself, worked hard and made serious progress at finding a career path. Hard work works!

I discovered that I want to be a life coach and turn Becoming a Badass into a brand. It was disappointing to find that I wasn't destined for an easier, more direct career path such as teacher or lawyer where the steps to start a job and the pay are set. That just isn't me and I have the Myer Briggs personality test to prove it. I'm a creative being and I can't escape the path no matter how hard I try and trust me I have tried. 

By following the advice of so, so many experts through books, blogs, vlogs and online research as well as taking classes, I've gotten a good start on my career. I've studied, experimented, tested and even gotten to the point where I have life coaching clients. I'm on the precipice of my dream career and fear is rearing it's ugly fat head. Fear can really get me in a headlock at times and keep me stuck as the person I am and not moving forward to the person I feel I'm destined to become. All my life fear has had two crippling side effects. Fear glues me to the couch with the TV and switches on a serious food addiction where all I want to do is shove crap in my mouth until I feel better emotionally. Of course, alcohol is also a part of my escape plan. Unfortunately, I just end up feeling physically sick and like a worthless loser. 

Fear's got it's ugly mitts on me but I've decided to badass my way out of it. Or at least give it my fighting all. I'm taking on a big challenge by giving up my vices for 3 months. I'm going to let you know how it goes day-by-day, step-by-step here on the blog. No solo TV watching, white sugar, white flour, dairy, caffeine, or alcohol. I'm here to find out what good I can do with time that used to be usurped by vices. What do I do when I can't run and hide behind my vices? Can giving up my vices help me to build a successful career and increase my general happiness and productivity? Let's find out. I'm so happy you've joined me as I take on this new adventure.