How to Keep Fear From Killing Your Success and Fun

Will Smith is laying down some really good career advice for all of us. 

"Keep loving people. The important this is to make sure with your [work], your [work] is a gift to people to helptheir lives be better and to be brighter. And what happens a lot of times when you see people fail in this business [or any work] is that they're in it for their ego. They start doing it for themselves. And it's like, your trying to help people just get through a day."

He is talking about being an actor but I think this applies to all professions and all work. It's so hard when your work is all about you, your personal success and what you get in return. It's so much easier to be good when you are really trying to help make peoples lives easier. Their days better.

Because, seriously, don't we all need some of that. I'm all about positivity and keeping it fun. That's why I started Becoming a Badass. But the flip side to that is that life can be really hard. If you aren't focused on being happy, strong, generous, successful, positive and, most importantly, loving, it's easy to slip into a dark place. I know it is for me. It happened to me very recently.

Am I alone in this feeling? Is life always easy for some? I don't think so. We all experience great loss, disappointments and pain. Every single one of us. Some of the losses are real. Losses of health. Losses of loved ones. Losses of dreams. Losses of jobs. Some of the losses are fear taking over our minds and stealing our happiness. Losses of confidence. Losses of love. Losses of faith.

Losses hurt. I believe in positivity, love, faith and God but sometimes shit is painful. Ok? I'm not alone in this, right?

The good news, as far as work and success is concerned, is that means there is always tremendous need for people who are making the world a better, happier, positive, more love filled place. If you can keep focused on helping people's lives be better, there will always be work for you.

How can you use who you are and what you love to do to make the world a better, easier place? How can you help people just get through the day? Because that will make you successful in all senses of the word.

Don't care what they think...

Does anybody else get pieces of writing stuck in their head? It happens to me when a theme is forming in my thoughts. For example, lately I find myself pondering being authentic. I've been thinking, you really have to not care whether people like you if you are going to live your best, most fulfilling life. In order to make really deep connections and do work that you that you care passionately about, you have to risk alienating people. Some people just hate things that are authentic because it scares them. Other people just aren't going to dig on what you are putting out. Just how it is. It's unavoidable. Not everyone is going to like you or what you are all about. Take a moment to accept this fact little more right now....

But the people who like you when you are being open and legit are going to f-ing love you.  These will be people who you can just relax and be yourself around. It will be easy and fun to be with them. These people will believe in what you do, be it work, hobbies, whatever. Your life will be awesome. Ok, not always. Sometime, life will still suck but these people will make the suckiness better. We all desperately need these people and the only way to keep meeting them is to show a huge number of people your true self. You have to give a lot of people the opportunity to decide if they love you. Some won't. Some will. 

Now, I could be accused of being an over sharer. Example A: I have a blog. Guess what? Putting my writing out there still scares me to the point of an inner quiver. I'm fully aware that some people think my writing is terrible and my ideas are stupid. But, I keep doing it. I keep putting myself out there for the few people who will read this and decide to make a braver choice today because what I wrote sparked something in them. I know what it's like to be really, really scared. I want to help as many people as possible escape the pain they feel as a result of being so damn scared and shy. People hold themselves back from so much happiness, success and love. In doing so, they are also holding themselves back from contributing the special gifts that only they have that could be making this world a better place. I want to kick fears ass more than I want everyone to like me, so I keep writing, posting on Facebook, talking about Becoming a Badass wherever I can, and turning it into a business so that, day by day, this passion turns into my life's work.

Putting your real self out there is an act of bravery. Here's some words from Tina Fey in her book Bossypant's. Hope it gets you revved up. Big thanks to Tina Fey for being the person who wrote something that inspired me to be braver.  

Bossypant's excerpt: 

Amy Poehler was new to SNL and we were all crowded into the seventeenth-floor writers' room, waiting for the Wednesday read-through to start. There were always a lot of noisy "comedy bits" going on in that room. Amy was in the middle of some such nonsense with Seth Meyers across the table, and she did something vulgar as a joke. I can't remember what it was exactly, except it was dirty and loud and "unladylike."

Jimmy Fallon, who was arguably the star of the show at the time, turned to her and in a faux-squeamish voice said: "Stop that! It's not cute! I don't like it."

Amy dropped what she was doing, went black in the eyes for a second, and wheeled around on him. "I don't fucking care if you like it." Jimmy was visibly startled. Amy went right back to enjoying her ridiculous bit …

With that exchange, a cosmic shift took place. Amy made it clear that she wasn't there to be cute. She wasn't there to play wives and girlfriends in the boys' scenes. She was there to do what she wanted to do and she did not fucking care if you like it …

I think of this whenever someone says to me, "Jerry Lewis says women aren't funny," or Christopher Hitchens says women aren't funny," or "Rick Fenderman says women aren't funny. … Do you have anything to say to that?"

Yes. We don't fucking care if you like it.

So my unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism or ageism or lookism or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: "Is this person in between me and what I want to do?" If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work, and outpacing people that way. Then, when you're in charge, don't hire the people who were jerky to you.

If the answer is yes, you have a more difficult road ahead of you. I suggest you model your strategy after the old Sesame Street film piece "Over! Under! Through!" (If you're under forty you might not remember this film. It taught the concepts of "over, "under," and "through" by filming toddlers crawling around in an abandoned construction site. They don't show it anymore because someone has since realized that's nuts.) If your boss is a jerk, try to find someone above or around your boss who is not a jerk. If you're lucky, your workplace will have a neutral proving ground—like the rifle range or the car sales total board or the SNL read-through. If so, focus on that.

Again, don't waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions. Go "Over! Under! Through!" and opinions will change organically when you're the boss. Or they won't. Who cares?

Do your thing and don't care if they like it.

Viceless Day 32-35: Sorry I'm crying, just keep talking

There is a reason that this is called Becoming a Badass and not, I'm a Damn Badass. I'm highly devoted to self improvement and wellness. There basically hasn't been a time in the past 10 years where I wasn't reading up on some self-improvement and conducting my own experiment. I believe deeply in our ability to improve with conscious effort. That being said, it only works if you work it. 

I've already admitted that I was born so shy that I would cry if anyone outside of my immediate family would talk to me. I'm not sure if I've also exposed that I was born so sensitive that I've probably cried for 1/8 of my life (possible understatement. Scary, I know). I'm one of those people that can feel other peoples emotions or read the truth from a slight change in energy or facial expression. I can leave a party knowing who was even considering sleeping with who. Small social interactions that are typically hidden to the human eye are for some reason obvious to my sensitive nature. Blessing and a curse. This sensitivity helps with my coaching and communications but has been crippling in other areas of my life. In school, when dealing with criticism from teachers, I actually had to start saying, "I know I'm crying but just keep talking. I can't control it but I want to hear what you have to say." That's tough on people. Obviously, my sensitivity is something that I needed to work on.

This sensitivity and crying are why it was super important for me to find healthy ways to deal with my emotions and spiritual strength to deal with the world. Aka: I meditate daily, pray constantly, have a strong forgiveness practice and use mantra's to keep my mind from dwelling on my sensitivities fears. I have to keep up this work or I'm a hot mess. 

The good news is that because of these practices I now can handle criticism, flat out haters and meanie-pants with grace and dry eyes. Stress has become manageable and I can even get through that time of the month without eating someones head while seasoning it with my flowing tears. 

The bad news is there is no one shot fix all. I have to keep up with my wellness and spiritual practices or I go right back to a wounded mess of irrational crying. I also have to workout regularly or my butt goes back to a flat pancake. I don't get to coast by in anything in this life! But that's ok, because from my constant effort, I've found my greatest passion: Helping others through self-improvement. 

I'm owning up to this because this past week was a major break down for me. I struggled as I moved apartments, kept up with my work, prepared for a summer in NYC getting more life coach training through NYU and generally tried to keep up with a life that is progressing wonderfully fast toward so many of my dreams. I let my good practices fall to the side as I prioritized the "practical". I spent all my time on work, tasks and demands, figuring I could skate by on my past wellness practices. NOPE!!! Because I dropped some of my wellness practices, I found myself a crying stress ball during my move. All of a sudden the world looked unfair and mean. Why did I have to do so much at one time? I was angry, hurt and panicked. This is the time when I should stop, breath and meditate! I didn't though and learned the hard way that my wellness practices only work if I work them. 

Luckily, I didn't stay my sensitive, wounded self for long. Two days of angry breakdown and I remembered, "Hey! I know how to deal with this shit!" I took the time to meditate and refocused my mind with some conscious gratitude. Yep, sometimes you just have to force your mind to look for the good and make a list of all that you are grateful for. Sure, at first my mind was muttering, this is bullshit, after every item on my gratitude list but eventually I hit the sweet spot. My mind snapped back to happiness and peace, a peace that isn't disturbed by others words, opinions or actions. This is the beauty of a solid wellness practice. You can't just expect yourself to be solid in every circumstance. Do yourself a favor and set-up some practices that reinforce your happiness and mental stability. This isn't about perfection in every moment, but having practices you can turn to when life is being a little a-hole.  

I'm going to be getting into these practices more here at Becoming a Badass. I know you need specifics and I'll be getting them to you! Love you badasses! Thanks for joining me as I become a badass a bit more everyday. 

Viceless Day 31: From Average to Badass

I need to clarify something with you all.

The other day, I was talking to my sister about her taking on a challenge and she said, "Yeah, but you love a challenge."

This is absolutely not true. I love sitting on the couch eating Doritos. I don't naturally love working out, taking on challenges, facing my fears or any of the other healthy, life enhancing activities that I promote daily. I love sleeping and wearing sweatpants. That is easy and comfortable. Problem is that I hate being sluggish, out of shape and unsuccessful. I have learned to love what is good for me because I hate the negative consequences of avoiding it. I've learned to love a challenge, but it's not my natural resting state. This takes work.

Muffy Davis. Ass-kicking paralympian
and motivational speaker. You don't
need this big of a challenge to
Become a Badass.

That's why I'm here. I want you all to know that you are not alone. You see your friends in perfect relationships, killing it straight out of college in a high paying career. You see airbrushed celebrities. You see heads of companies saying they always new they would be successful. Good for them. Now what about the rest of us?

I recently went to the Sun Valley Wellness Festival. There were so many speakers there talking about ways to improve your life from spirituality to feng shui, from paralympians to documentary makers. People kept saying, "Stop over achieving." "I used to be an achievement junkie."

Christine Hassler, brilliant coach and speaker.
You don't have to be this flawless and put together
to be Becoming a Badass. But we will love you
even if you are.

I want you all to know that I am not coming from that place. Where is the person who didn't start their own business by 21? Where is the person who didn't date George Clooney? Where is the person who has consistently been in the middle, felt like they were at the bottom, struggled just to keep up? Here I am and I've learned how to love a challenge.

I love achievers, the super successful, the born athletes, the destined to be famous since birth but those aren't the ones I want to help. Great, you've got this. You were born knowing who you are, what you want to do and how to achieve greatness. Go!!! I will enjoy watching and cheering you on. If you find that you're over addicted to success, I've got some great people I can refer you to, such as Christine Hassler and Christine Arylo. For the rest of you though, I've got your back. If you've struggled to figure out who you are and why you were put here on earth, I want to help you. If you trip when you dance and have never won anything in your life, I'm here for you. If you are hugging the middle of the bell curve, I want to help you get to the next level. If you don't jog not just because it's physically painful but because you are embarrassed of the jiggle that goes along with the movement, I want to talk to you. We need to talk if you dread family reunions because you hate answering the question, "So, what are you doing with your life?" If you know that you are a capable person but just can't find the right place to apply yourself, I've got you.

The Sun Valley Wellness Festival needs me. What about everyone who has always lived a perfectly nice, normal, middle of the road life but craves big happiness and fulfillment? I'm here to tell you daily that just because you haven't, doesn't mean you can't. If you have a dream or desire, you are doing yourself and the world a disservice by not going after it. The world needs more people who are passionately pursuing their dreams. Let's light up this world people! Even though our natural instinct is to sit on the couch with E! television and a bag of Doritos.

Viceless Day 30: Saying No

I've always found it hard to say no. I just find yes to be so much more fun. Brownie? Yes! Nachos? Yes! Cocktail? Yes! The truth is though, I say yes too much. I overbook and over consume. This tendency to always says yes leaves my schedule and body bloated and weighed down.

This challenge is just an exercise in saying no. Everyday, another person, usually one I really adore, offers me something that I must turn down. People don't just offer me sweets or wine, they hold it up to my face and say, "Please, just have some. Please." It's really hard to say no to that!

But I'm finding that once I get past the awkward no moment that still requires adjustment, I have just as much fun as I would if I were consuming alcohol or decadent food. I still find myself tearing up with laughter. I'm still having meaningful conversations. Actually, my fiancé keeps asking me what I'm so giggly about. I don't know. I just feel good, happy and giggly. Turns out that wasn't the sugar high or alcohol buzz. I'm just like that. Amazing.

People have said that I'm experiencing the placebo effect. I feel better because I expect to feel better. That could very well be true, but I would like to propose that my vices also include a placebo effect. How often do we think, I need a drink? I need a treat? I need to chill out and watch some TV? These have become the most common method of relaxation. What about meditation and deep breathing? What about a walk outdoors? Do we really NEED our vices?

I'm a free spirit and an Aquarius. I'm not hear to tell you what is right or wrong. I don't believe in that sort of thing. If cocktails and a piece of cake make you purely, delightfully happy then get to it. But I am here to challenge you to question your limitations. Limitations are the one thing I don't believe in.

Where are you limiting your potential? Where could you be saying no that would open up more space in your life for greatness? As my friend, Leaha, says, "How is the universe supposed to fill your basket if it's already full?"

Viceless Day 29: Help! How do I celebrate without food or alcohol?

Beautiful moment a few days ago between my fiancé and myself. I had just wrapped up my first Becoming a Badass Workshop. I've got new coaching clients appearing all the time. My body is feeling and looking good. I just talked to some of my major role models at the Sun Valley Wellness Festival and now they know I'm alive. I'm about to head to NYC to get more life coach training through NYU. I've made all of these accomplishments happen on my own as an independent adult. LIFE IS GOOD!! I was hopping around my kitchen with excitement and my fiancé had a huge grin on his face.

He said, "I'm so happy you're so happy. Let's celebrate!"

We both stood starting at each other with wide goofy smiles that gradually softened into open-mouth bewilderment. We have a bottle of champagne but I'm not drinking... There's no special chocolates or ice cream to decadently pair with a nice glass of wine... We traditionally celebrate by consuming something. Whoa! I'm so stuck in this habitual that I don't even know what else I could do.

This is a false representation of my ice cream.
My ice cream was not pretty enough to
photograph.

The next day I ended up making my self some vegan, sugar-free ice-cream from bananas, nut butters and maple syrup. It was a treat but felt like a substitute for the real thing. I'm not here to substitute my vices until I can get back to the "real thing." I'm looking for new ways to exist that will expand my options of having fun and enjoying life.

This is where I need your help. I've been looking for ways to celebrate and reward myself that don't involve food, alcohol or lots of money. In the future, as a big celebration, I will get a massage, take a trip or buy a highly coveted product. I can think of nice things I would love to buy but as I set up a business, my money is being reinvested in my business. What can I do that is small, affordable, celebratory and decadent for those small accomplishments that deserve attention?

I really need your help on this one. What tips and tricks can you share with me badasses? Help me celebrate!

Viceless Day 22-28: Time Flies While Dreams Are Coming True

I've been sober, sugar free and without TV for 28 days now. I've gone through my own self imposed rehab. This is only the beginning of the process since I've committed to three months, but I understand why rehab facilities use 28 days. The past four weeks have been a struggle. I've gazed longingly at food, the blank TV screen and countless glasses of wine. So much time has been spent quietly yearning for what I've given up that I started to wonder if I shouldn't just partake in my damn vices. My time was being eaten by my desire for them anyway. I didn't feel great, glowy, pure and light. I just felt like I missed eating candy while watching TV.

My online mentor and inspiration
Gabrielle Bernstein.

Somewhere in the past week though, that all changed. Today, I feel better than I've felt in years. Recently, I've connected with three power player in the world of coaching and inspirational speaking. I've conducted my first Becoming a Badass Workshop to great success and I've taken on new coaching clients. My schedule is starting to  overflow with soul inspiring, cash producing work. People are telling me that I've inspired them to improve their lives and happiness! By getting out of my own way, I'm getting everything I ever wanted. My vices have been replaced with fulfilled dreams.

Last night, after finishing my Becoming a Badass Workshop I was giddy with excitement. I've been planning this workshop for months. Before that, before even starting this blog four-years-ago I had been following my intuition hesitantly toward this career.  I didn't know what a life coach was four years ago. I just knew that I loved inspiring, motivating, writing, performing, working with people, improving the world, and how-to's in women's magazines. How that was going to make a career, I had no idea. 

Three important actions have gotten me to this amazing point in my life where I have specific dreams, goals and a plan for accomplishing.

1) I've consistently listened to my intuition and feelings. Often there is a dichotomy between what makes sense and what you know you want. When I was deciding between colleges I was choosing between Boston University where I thought I should major in business and going to California Institute of the Arts to major in acting. I really should have gone to Boston University. I was a great student and could have probably amassed a lot of monetary wealth by now. When I thought about that future though, my throat tightened up and I got a small inkling that I should go ahead and kill myself now. I'm actually down playing that feeling. At the time, my mind said, "this is what you really need to do for your future." My heart always answered, "no, it's not. That will kill me." 

Listening to my heart, I went to California Institute of the Arts even though I knew I probably wasn't going to end up with the typical actress career. I was acutely aware that I didn't know why I was going to school for acting. I was conscious of my own inadequacies and lack of direction. I knew I was making a crazy choice. Still, it was undeniable that I would regret not following my heart. 

Ten years later, I'm not an actress. I'm a life coach and workshop leader. I use the skills I learned as an actress in my present career. At school I learned to be fully present, listen, trust my instincts, be bold, stand in front of people and effectively communicate. I even learned how to put together the workshops I now conduct. A workshop is a show. It must have a beginning, middle and end. It must be engaging. It must emotionally effect the participants. I chose the most amazing, practical undergraduate training I could have for my chosen career. Well, actually, my heart chose my training. My heart picked the training before I even knew of the career of life coach. That is the brilliance that comes from listening to your intuition. 

2) I embraced embarrassment and started before I was ready. I've taken this practice to the next level by following the advice of two of my favorite online mentors.  My spiritual coach Gabrielle Bernstein says you must embrace an attitude of "F-it. Let's go!" Marie Forleo, my business guru, is the queen of the empowering phrase, "start before you are ready." Both of these women are successful powerhouses. They encourage me to be more aggressive with an attitude that I've always relied on. You will never be ready, you just need to get into action. I wasn't ready to go to an acting program that's ranked 15th in the world. I had only done a few plays at my high school. I showed up and found myself surrounded by children of celebrities and people who had been child actors. I was in way over my head and thank God. I was pushed to my absolute limit to keep up with the brilliance around me. I wasn't the best, but I was playing with the big dogs. Think of the opportunity I would have wasted if I had said, "I'll go to acting school when I'm ready." I could have done more plays around Atlanta. I could have taken smaller steps but would I have? Big actions and big decisions give you big momentum. If I had stalled on acting school, I doubt I would have even graduated from any college. I would have stayed paralyzed by fear and my own depression. It's through action, risk and starting before you are ready that you will find your passion and momentum. 

3) I set measurable, timed goals with accountability. Unfortunately, with college my only real measurable goal was to graduate. I accomplished that goal but found myself lost after graduation. Moving to Jackson, I started to set measurable, timed goals. The most obvious is when I decided to ski 100 days in one season. Before setting this goal, I had probably skied a total of 80 days in the three years since I had learned to ski. Kinda crazy to jump into 100 days, right? Well, I wanted to be a badass and I wanted to learn what it was to truly be a skier. The 100 days kicked my ass and challenged me more than I could have imagined. I didn't know how to deal with different weather conditions. My ski boots weren't perfect and I'll always have what I must lovingly call my sixth toe (calcium deposite on the side of my foot). I frequently cried into my goggles and a struggled through exhaustion. Yet, I had told people I was going to ski 100 days. People rallied to support me because I had told people my goal, therefor setting up accountability. I learned more about skiing in that one season that I had in the past 3 seasons combined. I became a skier and have a life accomplishment that I can always think of when facing a new challenge. Hell, I skied a 100 days. I can do this. 

Notice, I didn't say to myself, I'm going to become a better skier and ski more. I announced to my nearest and dearest that I was going to ski 100 days that season. Measurable, timed goals with accountability are key for accomplishments. How will you know when you've accomplished something if it isn't measured, with a time limit and with others knowing your goal? Set yourself up to succeed. I ended up skiing 109 days that season. 

Once again, my challenges are pulling me toward my success. I haven't eaten crap, consumed alcohol or watched TV while alone. After 28 days, I've talked to some of my biggest mentors, held a workshop, grown my coaching business, inspired people to improve their lives and gotten written up in my local paper. Yeah, Viceless is working.

What are you ready to succeed at? Tell me in the comments below. Let's shape some ass-kicking goals for you!

The Staycation Solution

Your to do list is reading like a novel.  Instead of being in the best shape of your life you have Budweiser bloat.  People are being dicks.  You need to get away!  Unfortunately, your next vacation isn’t for months.  How do you keep from randomly crying in the supermarket or abruptly quitting your job?  It is time for a STAYCATION.  Don’t go anywhere.  Just sit your cute fanny down in your own home and get your pamper on.  Since this doesn’t require a spa, let alone a plane ticket, this is a great way to save money while saving your sanity.

Today, I needed a staycation. I’ve been experiencing a rare feeling in my life, stress.  My life is designed for my enjoyment.  This means I minimize tasks like work and house keeping, and emphasize outdoor adventures and playtime.  Work has been stressful lately because this is the busiest time of year.  Customers and coworkers all seem to have caught a case of the Angry Augusts.  I could use two weeks in a Thai spa, but that isn’t in the budget or schedule right now so I settled for a at home SPACATION. 

Badass women need to have a supply of beauty products.  I will not be told otherwise and turn my life over to a make-up free existence. If you are a badass in the office, you need to combat stress lines and stale air.  If your badassing has you skiing down mountains you need to undo the stress of natural elements such as snow, sun, and near death adventures.

What I believe every woman should own for an emergency spacation. 

            -Deep hair conditioner

            -Body scrub

            -Face exfoliate

            -Moisturizing face mask

            -Bath salts

           

Here is a look into my SPACATION.  Let the two-hour bath begin.             

First, I dry brushed.  This is supposed to help stimulate the lymph nods and reduce cellulite.  This is one of those things I always want to do but never seem to remember.  It feels amazing to accomplish something I so often regret not doing.   

2^nd I showered and did a hair mask as my conditioner.  While letting the mask soak, I shaved.   

3^rd I exfoliated my body with a salt scrub from my trip to Israel.  Usually, I make my own with almond oil and Sugar in the Raw.  Cheap and easy.

4^th Bath time.  I fill the tub, dry my face on a towel I keep nearby and exfoliate my face with a scrub.  Rinse.  Dry face.  Apply mud mask.  Allow to dry, about two minutes.  Rinse.  Dry.  Apply moisturizing face mask and keep on for the duration of the bath.

5^th Time for some straight chilling.  I like to keep the fan on in the bathroom to create white noise.  Relax.  Stretch your neck.  Lift a leg and stretch.   A neck and scalp massage will help to unwind. This is a nice time to read, but an even better time to meditate and clear your mind. 

When the time feels right I leave the bath.  I moisturize my face first because it usually feels dry.  Next, every day I do a full body moisturizing.  This is a great day to pluck.  A perfect eyebrow makes for a groomed face. 

Bust out the hair dryer and product.  Usually I air-dry my hair, but on spacation, it’s time to full on beauty routine. 

After hair comes make-up.  This is also the day to go above and beyond.  I like to switch up my eye make-up.  Try a new look.  This is the day to test the cat-eye or use a new lip-gloss I got as a gift. 

Anything I’ve been saving for a special day is busted out.  This is a holiday.  This is staycation, baby!

Here what I look like post spacation as opposed to my everyday adventure life.

Adventure isn't alway pretty.  

Post Spacation

            When life is making you crazy what is your go to sanity solution?  How do you counter the stresses of being a badass in your own life?  I want to hear from you all and then steal your secrets. 

If you like this, come like me on facebook!  https://www.facebook.com/becomingabadass

The Splits

My friend, Anna, can do the splits in the way I could when I was 15. Legs fully apart. Arms up in the air. Big Smile. I am so jealous. So very, very, very, very jealous. Five minutes ago, I was working on my splits. Thank you for the true life inspiration, Anna.

Bitch.

No. I'm kidding. Thank you.