The Truth About Marriage

Why aren't more people talking about what it's really like right before you get married? Plus, in this video, I'm in my wedding dress, on my wedding day, right before walking down the aisle. XO

http://www.youtube.com/v/0KYtXREnHCw?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autoplay=1&autohide=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=mHOAcRkMsO9NBXV-HTD_9A

Don't care what they think...

Does anybody else get pieces of writing stuck in their head? It happens to me when a theme is forming in my thoughts. For example, lately I find myself pondering being authentic. I've been thinking, you really have to not care whether people like you if you are going to live your best, most fulfilling life. In order to make really deep connections and do work that you that you care passionately about, you have to risk alienating people. Some people just hate things that are authentic because it scares them. Other people just aren't going to dig on what you are putting out. Just how it is. It's unavoidable. Not everyone is going to like you or what you are all about. Take a moment to accept this fact little more right now....

But the people who like you when you are being open and legit are going to f-ing love you.  These will be people who you can just relax and be yourself around. It will be easy and fun to be with them. These people will believe in what you do, be it work, hobbies, whatever. Your life will be awesome. Ok, not always. Sometime, life will still suck but these people will make the suckiness better. We all desperately need these people and the only way to keep meeting them is to show a huge number of people your true self. You have to give a lot of people the opportunity to decide if they love you. Some won't. Some will. 

Now, I could be accused of being an over sharer. Example A: I have a blog. Guess what? Putting my writing out there still scares me to the point of an inner quiver. I'm fully aware that some people think my writing is terrible and my ideas are stupid. But, I keep doing it. I keep putting myself out there for the few people who will read this and decide to make a braver choice today because what I wrote sparked something in them. I know what it's like to be really, really scared. I want to help as many people as possible escape the pain they feel as a result of being so damn scared and shy. People hold themselves back from so much happiness, success and love. In doing so, they are also holding themselves back from contributing the special gifts that only they have that could be making this world a better place. I want to kick fears ass more than I want everyone to like me, so I keep writing, posting on Facebook, talking about Becoming a Badass wherever I can, and turning it into a business so that, day by day, this passion turns into my life's work.

Putting your real self out there is an act of bravery. Here's some words from Tina Fey in her book Bossypant's. Hope it gets you revved up. Big thanks to Tina Fey for being the person who wrote something that inspired me to be braver.  

Bossypant's excerpt: 

Amy Poehler was new to SNL and we were all crowded into the seventeenth-floor writers' room, waiting for the Wednesday read-through to start. There were always a lot of noisy "comedy bits" going on in that room. Amy was in the middle of some such nonsense with Seth Meyers across the table, and she did something vulgar as a joke. I can't remember what it was exactly, except it was dirty and loud and "unladylike."

Jimmy Fallon, who was arguably the star of the show at the time, turned to her and in a faux-squeamish voice said: "Stop that! It's not cute! I don't like it."

Amy dropped what she was doing, went black in the eyes for a second, and wheeled around on him. "I don't fucking care if you like it." Jimmy was visibly startled. Amy went right back to enjoying her ridiculous bit …

With that exchange, a cosmic shift took place. Amy made it clear that she wasn't there to be cute. She wasn't there to play wives and girlfriends in the boys' scenes. She was there to do what she wanted to do and she did not fucking care if you like it …

I think of this whenever someone says to me, "Jerry Lewis says women aren't funny," or Christopher Hitchens says women aren't funny," or "Rick Fenderman says women aren't funny. … Do you have anything to say to that?"

Yes. We don't fucking care if you like it.

So my unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism or ageism or lookism or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: "Is this person in between me and what I want to do?" If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work, and outpacing people that way. Then, when you're in charge, don't hire the people who were jerky to you.

If the answer is yes, you have a more difficult road ahead of you. I suggest you model your strategy after the old Sesame Street film piece "Over! Under! Through!" (If you're under forty you might not remember this film. It taught the concepts of "over, "under," and "through" by filming toddlers crawling around in an abandoned construction site. They don't show it anymore because someone has since realized that's nuts.) If your boss is a jerk, try to find someone above or around your boss who is not a jerk. If you're lucky, your workplace will have a neutral proving ground—like the rifle range or the car sales total board or the SNL read-through. If so, focus on that.

Again, don't waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions. Go "Over! Under! Through!" and opinions will change organically when you're the boss. Or they won't. Who cares?

Do your thing and don't care if they like it.

Becoming a Badass When You Feel Like Ass

Brazenly Loving is Scary

Be brave. Love what you love brazenly.

My sister was recently up for a promotion at work. It was actually more of a lateral move, from customer service to the wine department but she likes wine a lot more than customer service, so it felt like a promotion. God, she wanted the job. Talking about it filled her with energy and fire and ambition. This is an area where she could really thrive. The thing was, she wasn't totally qualified for the job. She had the interest and passion and some knowledge but was by no means overly equipped for the position.

Everyone at her work and in her personal life knew she was applying for the job. Daily questions built pressure. Every ones interest became a burden. Support started to become suffocating because, yes, she wanted the job. Badly. And she knew eventually she could be incredible at the job in time, but as she was now, exactly at the moment, she wasn't really ready for the job.

We all have been there. Looking at the next step we want to take. The next adventure, accomplishment or change is obvious. We finally know what we want after an agonizing period of confusion or limbo. The perfect job shows up. Someone you could truly love appears out of no where. Inspiration strikes. Life is good until, suddenly, we realize that we aren't qualified enough, smart enough, strong enough, whatever enough to truly take it on. This is when fear, doubt, REALITY sets in and our love starts to shrink. We start telling ourselves that we are being dumb. We are about to make a huge fool out of ourselves. The impulse to deny the love, want and desire shows up swiftly and fiercely. Don't act like you've never felt this way and I won't lie to you by saying I never have.

I'll one up you and own up to the fact that everything I've ever done that I've been proud of has been preceded by this feeling of doubt and shame.

My sister aced half of the interview and bombed the other half. She had put herself out there so fully. Everyone knew how bad she wanted the job. I knew. The people she supervises at work knew. The entire management of her work knew. She had put it out there, by God, big time. While she was doing it, I was shocked an inspired. She wanted it and she was telling the world. I believed in her. I knew she would be incredible at this job. I was sure both because of how familiar I am with her innate and developed skill set but also because I saw how much love and passion was set ablaze in her by the idea of this job. There was a God-force behind her.

She didn't get the job. She knew after the interview that she wouldn't. She had really blown it. Like really. She did great on half and just horrible on the rest.

But, she got half the job. What? How? The people who interviewed her saw her passion and drive and even though they knew that she wasn't fully ready at this time to take on the whole job, they are giving her most of the responsibilities and the next 6 months to get fully trained and prepared to take on the whole job.

That is the power of showing what you love. So often we squelch our love because we feel undeserving or unready. We are afraid of failing and the embarrassment that will inevitably follow. This is such a huge mistake. No one is ready. Ever. You have to get in over your head to get ahead. Be brave. Please, I need the inspiration. We all do. It's so hard to get over all that fear and doubt. It's painful to realize the truth of our immediate limitations but it's the only way to get past them.

Congratulations Melissa. You are an inspiration.

Ask For What You Want and Get It

Viceless: Being sober, sugar-free and more for THREE DAMN MONTHS

Three months of no sugar, alcohol, dairy, gluten or caffeine are complete!(Ok, ok. I didn't make it on my challenge of not watching TV alone for 3 months. Only 2 1/2 months of no solo TV watching happened. Hey, not bad! Calling it a win and a learning experience. Who knew I was more addicted to TV than alcohol? Not me. It was such a constant temptation to watch some TV that I think it's going to need it's own separate effort.)

Yes! I can be this happy while being Viceless.

So what happens now? Do I have a Viceless future ahead of me? Gosh, darn it, I'm still not sure. I've had a tiny bite of my friends homemade goat cheese (Yes! I have friends with a goat farm. Check them out!) and I'm sure some hidden ingredients have snuck into my food because I haven't been a stickler about everything at restaurants but overall, I'm pretty damn Viceless. I feel good and am not looking to mess with that. Still, I'm not declaring a future of Vicelessness. I've already made a large commitment that conflicts with Viceless living. Before all of this Vicelessness started, I was committed to spending a month in Italy and going on a bunch of wine tours. Cry me a river, right? I'm basically set up to do a Viceful experiment. What happens if I fully give into all of my vices for a month? The land of cheese, gluten-filled pizza, gelato, wine and espresso is going to be an interesting test. The only thing I probably won't be doing is watching much TV since it will be in Italian.

Here are my main take aways from 3 months of Viceless living:

1) Alcohol is more of a habit than a need. I was doing a lot of research on changing habits over the past 3 months and came upon some interesting information about alcohol. The book Making Habits, Breaking Habits by Jeremy Dean taught me that alcohol is mainly a craving for the relaxation or socializing that we associate with our early use. A study proved that college students socialize with alcohol and years later, when they are craving fun or relaxation, people tend to turn to alcohol instead of just the socialization. They assume they need the alcohol. This is a false assumption.

I've proven the seemingly impossible. Yes, I can have fun, relax and socialize without alcohol! That is one of my biggest learnings from my experiment. I can even go to a bar, wedding or any social situation that would normally involve alcohol and have just as much fun sober as I would drinking. In fact, I recently attended a wedding sober. The groom, days later, was shocked to learn that I wasn't drinking. Apparently, my incredible dance moves and soda water with lime fooled him into assuming I was getting crunk with alcohol.

Not drinking is amazing for two primary reasons: I save a ton of money and have no hangover or drag the next day. My perspective about alcohol has totally changed. Drinking is a lot less of an influence on my good time than I would have thought before going Viceless.

Dairy-free, agave sweetened ice cream is a
loophole in Vicelessness that worked
for me. I know agave is actually super high
in fructose and no better than refined sugar,
but it isn't available at most news stands,
 so it works for me. 

2) Limitations are my new best friend. Shocking, right?
I am not to be trusted around sugar! Seriously, I've been abusing fruit and agave during my Viceless time. I still want every snickers bar I see. I love sweetness! I have an embarrassing sugar addiction and I'm going to need more time away from sugar before I can have it in moderation.  But, I did learn a helpful tool to use for cutting back on anything...

I learned that I can massively cut back on my addictions by placing restrictions that don't make me crazy but do limit me. By saying no to refined sugar and a hesitant yes to any sugar like sweeteners such as agave, maple syrup, etc, I was able to cut way back on my sugary treat consumption. I still had a few desserts a week but, overall, I curbed my sweets in a way that didn't test my self-control. Refined sugar treats are everywhere and I simply said no. Luckily, ice cream made with agave is hard to come by and, therefore, I didn't eat sweet treats as frequently or in as great a quality. What was key for me though was that I didn't feel restricted so I didn't trigger a binge (when I feel trapped, I rebel). I had enough options but was able to say no to deserts and candy that came up in social situations. Hey, whatever works, right?

3) Whatever works, for you, specifically... One of my closest friends also stopped drinking about a month before I did. Neither of us were alcoholics in need of rehab. The outside world didn't understand why either of us would find it necessary to give up drinking. We were moderate social drinkers (well, maybe a bit more than moderate). For our own personal reasons, we both felt the need to give up alcohol and have done so successfully for a period of time. Beyond the comfort of companionship as I tried out a new lifestyle change, another benefit of having a friend taking on a similar challenge at the same time is that I learned that individuals take on big, successful challenges in totally unique ways.

I really, really want to tell everyone to take on a huge challenge that is limited to a specific amount of time. I love the process and want to force it on you.  I greatly improved my skiing by setting out to ski 100 days in one season. I revolutionized my perspective on my vices by giving them up cold turkey for 3 months. I went from LA party girl to Wyoming badass by fully throwing myself into skiing, mountain biking, and international travel and documenting it all in this public blog. Going big for a documented project with time restraints works great for me when I'm trying to instigate big change.

That doesn't mean it's going to work for you. For instance, my sober friend says that her sobriety has lasted only because she is planning on not drinking forever. Giving herself a time limit on the commitment would cause her to crack. The time limit keeps me going as I try out something new. If I thought that I was never ever going to have another drink or piece of candy, I would be drinking from a bottle of wine and pairing it with peanut M&Ms as I write this post.

When I was in Nicaragua, learning to surf with a different close friend, I kept tripping over uneven road and ground. My dear friend pegged me on that trip, "You are great at huge steps. Here you are kicking ass as you learn to surf but the small steps really trip you up." Yep! That's me! I'm better with a big public challenge than a small change. I know that now.

The question is, who are you? How do you best accomplish? How and where have you had successes in the past and what can you apply from that previous process to speed up your future accomplishments?

This is what I love about career/life coaching. I don't have the answers for you but I sure can help you speed up and simplify the process of you finding your own answer. You are unique and specific. You have your own way of succeeding. No one is going to know what is exactly right for you.

4) Lean in.  I'm obsessed with the concept of leaning toward something. One of my favorite teachers, Gabrielle Bernstein, has introduced me to the concept. While I was in New York over the summer, I attended Gabrielle's workshop, Finally Full. She spoke a lot about spirituality, food, meditation and sprinkled in was her own experiences with food. Gabby says she leans toward vegan. She also seems to lean toward sugar-free. Leaning toward means that she is mainly one way, but if she wants something that goes against her typical actions, she will have it. It's about being one way mainly and  occasionally deviating.

Leaning into making changes with
Gabrielle Bernstein.

This is a phrase and philosophy that I believe fits nicely into lives. It cuts out demands and restrictions that can be both un-fun and actually counter-productive. (We all know that when we are told we can't have something, we start to really, really want that something.) Right now though, most of my vices seem too fresh to assume I could just lean into them without fully reverting to my old ways. This is what I'll be monitoring as I start testing out some vices. Can I lean in? How far can I lean into a habit without it becoming a vice?

What are some of your best ways for achieving balance in your life? What are your best ways for accomplishing change that brings you closer to your goals? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below! While I don't know exactly what is right for you, I do know that getting a new perspective can be very enlightening. Taking on this Viceless challenge has given me an opportunity to speak to so many people about their own vices and methods for happiness and productivity. I've learned a great deal from you all. It's been an honor to share my new perspectives and learn so many new ones along the way. I'm  extremely grateful for everyone who supported me as I completed 3 months of Viceless living!

Tony Nominated Badass Condola Rashad on How to Deal with Life, Good and Bad