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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I Need Examples of Beautiful Women Who Loogie

Women sure do have to put in some effort to keep ourselves from being masculine. The shaving, the plucking, the styling, the moisturizing, the dresses, the painting, all in an effort to be differentiated from those hairy, cracked beast known as men. I love them, one in particular, but when I look at his rugged, scruffy face, sometimes I just want to smack it, cause men were built for this wilderness stuff. Wind chaffing? Grow a beard. Getting wrinkles from too much sun? That's ok. Chick dig it. Chicks dig scars. Chicks dig all of it! Woman, cover you face in sunscreen, petroleum protectant, and make a dermatologist appointment pronto. That shit ain't gonna fly. Another scientifically provable, biological piece of evidence that man was built to do stuff for women. The main physical power women have is appearance. I don't like saying that. It sounds bad. But I skied 6 hours today in powder, and when I couldn't find anymore, I hiked to hiding places. I'm exhausted. The opinion will stand, loosely backed and believed.

The only way I relax when I think about the beating my epidermis is taking is by thinking about my beautiful mother. The woman didn't remove her make-up or moisturize for 40 years and now my friends ask, "Is your mom, like, 37?" She looks good. That's probably just because she is such a kind, patient, and loving person. I'm not sure if I can count on that. Does shallowness age the skin? So, thinking that our actions and intentions create our appearance, I'm really concerned about some of my new habituals. People, I snot rocket on a regular basis. I forcefully expel mucus from my nose into the great wide open. And if that wasn't enough, I'm being tempted into loogieing. Not just basic spitting, but gathering the buggs from my nasal cavity with a sucking and hacking force, and spitting it from my mouth with gusto. My mouth! I've thrown up a little just considering the activity. But, it's extremely practical and may save me from a life of perma-snot-on-face. And if I was a man, this wouldn't even be a problem. Being a girl is inconvenient in the outdoors.

My boyfriend is the one pressuring me to hock loogies. He's tired of the constant sniffle. He was born with very sensitive ears. Where is the line between outdoorsy and androgyny? I gave the loogieing a go today, came home, did my hair and put on a dress. After all, life is all about balance. But I just can't bring myself to loogie freely. I need examples of beautiful women who loogie, please.

8 comments:

  1. Loogying is totally badass. I try to achieve a nice loogie once in a while and sometimes can, but Keri, your cousin, is a natural. She hocks loogies on a regular basis. It's pretty impressive! She is also 5'4", 110 pounds (if that!) and has long, blonde hair! I know you know that but I just felt it necessary to reiterate! Beautiful girls can, and do loogie. I say, go for it!

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    1. I like loogies on my face. Does that make me a weirdo? Anthony

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  2. Hahahahaha. I have never loogied, but this post ALMOST makes me want to!

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  3. When you feel the need to loogie, it's the only way to go. It pretty much has to happen. I bet Lynsey Dyer loogies! And maybe Mia Hamm...

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  4. This might be my favorite post yet. I do not loogie. makes me feel weird, like I won't actually get it out. then its awkward. I do snot rocket though and find great relief in it.

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  5. I loogie Have been since I was a teenager I was a tom boy kinda. Then I blossomed into a lady and wasn't ably to stop with the loogies

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