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Saturday, September 11, 2010

Why does the hard road hurt so good?

At cocktail hour a few days ago, with a dear budding badass friend of mine, after talk of jobs and boys and gossip, the conversation took a sudden turn to biking. I've just had my hiney kicked by the flu. Not just damaged, but ravaged. Physical activity became a beautiful mirage, shimmering through a haze of sickness. In my delirium, I reverted back to my weakling self literally crying for help and healing. There was no help to be had and the healing was coming. It was apparently stuck in LA traffic, decided to get a burrito, got mugged outside a taco stand, taken to the hospital, had to heal itself... what I'm saying is, it took for fucking ever. The only thing that got me through was a pair of 5 inch peep-toe wedges that I imagined coordinating with outfits. Now I have a pair of absolutely unwearable shoes coming to me from stevemadden.com, but I didn't kill anyone and I'm still in a relationship with my lovely boyfriend. I say, money well spent.

Anyway, back to biking. My friend asked, why do you love biking so much? She wants to try mountain biking. I kind of stuttered out some phrases. It's really fun. Well, it does hurt a lot. It's such a great work out. So much so that it's almost exhausted my heart. Every good was mirrored back with intense struggle and pain. Luckily, she took up the conversation. This girl from NYC understands my gospel. She knows how good it feels to do something you never thought you could do. She said, "I want to do it and that is all it takes. Wanting to do it."

I encouraged her but in my heart I was flailing. Why do I bike? I'm covered in bruises and cuts. I'm not physically strong enough to be good at it. Why do I continue to try to share my life with someone else? I'm full of insecurities. When I'm with someone, they all tend to come out. Fear of being left. Fear of not being pretty enough, successful enough, nice enough, a good enough cook, clean enough, smart enough, funny enough. Why do I keep writing? Often no one comments. I'm plagued by spelling errors. I don't understand commas. I never leave enough time to proof read. Why do I even leave the house? Half the time people have to pluck random food off my clothing.

I don't know why. Just got back on my bike for my first post flu ride. I went easy on myself. Took a simple trail that I never take. It was kinda fun. I only tipped over once. No bleeding. No bruises. It was kinda boring though.

Perhaps, I know life is going to kill me eventually and I just want to be the strongest most accomplished me I can be when I go.

If anyone knows of a pain free way to live and still progress please leave it in the comments section of this blog. I'm still recovering from the flu.


  1. Excellent piece! Sorry to hear about the flu! Hope it's totally gone soon and you can go hard on yourself again. :) You are for sure a badass in my book! Can't think of any great pain free ways to progress in life though. If you hear of any, let me know!

  2. Oh darling, pain is inevitable no matter what you do. You have to have the pain and sad in order to really appreciate the good stuff. No one ever really likes someone who has never suffered anyway...they are boring drones...You my love will never be boring and that is specifically why you were and always will be a badass.