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Friday, June 7, 2013

Viceless Day 32-35: Sorry I'm crying, just keep talking

There is a reason that this is called Becoming a Badass and not, I'm a Damn Badass. I'm highly devoted to self improvement and wellness. There basically hasn't been a time in the past 10 years where I wasn't reading up on some self-improvement and conducting my own experiment. I believe deeply in our ability to improve with conscious effort. That being said, it only works if you work it. 

I've already admitted that I was born so shy that I would cry if anyone outside of my immediate family would talk to me. I'm not sure if I've also exposed that I was born so sensitive that I've probably cried for 1/8 of my life (possible understatement. Scary, I know). I'm one of those people that can feel other peoples emotions or read the truth from a slight change in energy or facial expression. I can leave a party knowing who was even considering sleeping with who. Small social interactions that are typically hidden to the human eye are for some reason obvious to my sensitive nature. Blessing and a curse. This sensitivity helps with my coaching and communications but has been crippling in other areas of my life. In school, when dealing with criticism from teachers, I actually had to start saying, "I know I'm crying but just keep talking. I can't control it but I want to hear what you have to say." That's tough on people. Obviously, my sensitivity is something that I needed to work on.

This sensitivity and crying are why it was super important for me to find healthy ways to deal with my emotions and spiritual strength to deal with the world. Aka: I meditate daily, pray constantly, have a strong forgiveness practice and use mantra's to keep my mind from dwelling on my sensitivities fears. I have to keep up this work or I'm a hot mess. 

The good news is that because of these practices I now can handle criticism, flat out haters and meanie-pants with grace and dry eyes. Stress has become manageable and I can even get through that time of the month without eating someones head while seasoning it with my flowing tears. 

The bad news is there is no one shot fix all. I have to keep up with my wellness and spiritual practices or I go right back to a wounded mess of irrational crying. I also have to workout regularly or my butt goes back to a flat pancake. I don't get to coast by in anything in this life! But that's ok, because from my constant effort, I've found my greatest passion: Helping others through self-improvement. 

I'm owning up to this because this past week was a major break down for me. I struggled as I moved apartments, kept up with my work, prepared for a summer in NYC getting more life coach training through NYU and generally tried to keep up with a life that is progressing wonderfully fast toward so many of my dreams. I let my good practices fall to the side as I prioritized the "practical". I spent all my time on work, tasks and demands, figuring I could skate by on my past wellness practices. NOPE!!! Because I dropped some of my wellness practices, I found myself a crying stress ball during my move. All of a sudden the world looked unfair and mean. Why did I have to do so much at one time? I was angry, hurt and panicked. This is the time when I should stop, breath and meditate! I didn't though and learned the hard way that my wellness practices only work if I work them. 

Luckily, I didn't stay my sensitive, wounded self for long. Two days of angry breakdown and I remembered, "Hey! I know how to deal with this shit!" I took the time to meditate and refocused my mind with some conscious gratitude. Yep, sometimes you just have to force your mind to look for the good and make a list of all that you are grateful for. Sure, at first my mind was muttering, this is bullshit, after every item on my gratitude list but eventually I hit the sweet spot. My mind snapped back to happiness and peace, a peace that isn't disturbed by others words, opinions or actions. This is the beauty of a solid wellness practice. You can't just expect yourself to be solid in every circumstance. Do yourself a favor and set-up some practices that reinforce your happiness and mental stability. This isn't about perfection in every moment, but having practices you can turn to when life is being a little a-hole.  

I'm going to be getting into these practices more here at Becoming a Badass. I know you need specifics and I'll be getting them to you! Love you badasses! Thanks for joining me as I become a badass a bit more everyday. 

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