I cried today. Before I cried, I felt myself look around for escape. Nope, can't turn on the TV. No, you can't have a drink. Nada junk food to save me. Just have to face some pain head on.
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| Joan of Arc who I'll be channeling this week and who will be reminding me of angels. |
This year I'm getting married and starting my own business. Both have been in the works for over a year and I'm incredibly grateful for each opportunity. Starting a business, especially one with the end goal of giving lectures and holding workshops on Becoming a Badass, is something people aren't always going to support. This isn't the safe route. I talked today to a woman who has her own life coaching business and she warned me again and again about how hard it is to be successful. I tried to remain calm. I finished our phone call with grace but as soon as I hit end I looked toward the cupboard and TV for escape. No, I've promised I won't hide from my fear. I've gotta face the uncomfortable feeling head on. I'm forced to feal the pain fully and accept that I could end up a big failure. Yes, that is always a possibility. After some tears, my own Becoming a Badass preachings pop into my mind and save me. God bless hard work and dedication. A year dedicated to reminding others of inspirational quotes and teachings on how to live a full life saves me with two thoughts: 1) I would rather fail big, learn big, and move onto something bigger than do nothing and stay stuck. 2) "I am not afraid. I was born for this." - Joan of Arc. These will be my mantras over the next few days. This fear will fade and I think faster because I didn't run from it using my vices this time.
The thing about marriage that I guess I kinda forgot about is that you now have to make really huge life choices and the final decision is going to be a compromise with someone else. They are not just your choice. Where you want to live, if you are buying a home, if you will have children, even your career are major decisions that you must work through with another person. At this point in life and age, I'm pretty comfortable making my own decisions. The new challenge is making a decision with a man I love very, very much but who doesn't always want the same things I want. It's so much easier to ignore these big questions. I tear up as we talk through our future. I worry that I will decrease his happiness in life by protecting my own. That can't be right. That can't be love. The conversation ends with many questions still hanging. In the way that love seems to always redeem itself, simply, tonight, we cook, laugh and love. I"m reminded why I want to get married. I love this man so much. Being with him has made me stronger or happier than I thought possible. When I decided I wanted to get married it wasn't a fairy tale decision about how our love is perfect and now everything will be easy. The decision was based on the fact that I want to challenge myself to grow in this relationship and this love my entire life. I believe in our relationship and want to challenge myself to make the decisions and compromises to have it last my entire life because I believe we can build an incredible life together. A life that will be richer and fuller than what I could build alone. I am aware of the divorce rate and sexless marriages. Yes, I know we could fail. Everyone can stop reminding me and rest assured that I am fully aware of the challenge I am taking on. Still, I would rather have tried and given myself the chance at what I believe will be one of my greatest successes: building a family with a man I love.
Day 6:
One of the women who inspires my business model is Gabrielle Bernstein. She is a spiritual coach and speaker. Gabrielle is also sober. She tells her story often and says she was told, "Get clean and you will have everything you've wanted." The woman is a powerhouse. Today, her work as greatly influenced my life for the better and because of that I sometimes hear whispered in my mind, "Get clean and you will have everything you've wanted."Gabrielle Bernstein and this message are a big motivator for me to experiment with giving up my vices. Gabby was addicted to cocaine and really needed to get clean. None of my vices are that serious. In fact, many of my friends think of me as someone who uses vices very moderately. Still, I hear get clean. I have to try.
My days are getting more and more productive. Writing, reading, bike riding, loving, and working on Becoming a Badass is all I've done this week and I feel great. To live without the guilt and wake up knowing I feel the way I feel as a product of good choices is amazing. Today, I've moved past the fear of the future that was causing my tears yesterday. Today, I just want to work. Blam! Goodness comes to me. I get a twitter message from an editor at Jackson Hole News and Guide asking to do a profile interview on me for next weeks paper. I can't help but think that I'm getting everything I've wanted. So happy. So purely, joyously, sparklingly happy.
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